Temple Run

There is this game on the iPhone that I have killed a lot of time with (sadly). In it you play as a character that is being chased out of a temple by these demon monkeys. You run along paths through the jungle collecting coins and power ups trying not to get caught by the monkeys. The game doesn't end, you just run until you fall off a cliff, run into something, or trip and get caught. You run until you die. There really is no winning, just trying to survive long enough to get a little farther than last time. Sounds a lot like life sometimes.

The last few years haven't been easy. In a lot of ways it feels like a game of Temple Run. Running as hard as we can, trying to get what we can, but still coming up short every time. And on top of that if feels like no one cares, or at least not anyone who would be able to do something to help. It feels like we're on our own, running through the jungle, hoping to survive. Part of me thinks I shouldn't write and post this, and the other part of me just doesn't care, and is sick of pretending and acting like everything is ok.

I know what the Bible says:

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1.2-4).

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5.3-5).

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4.11-13).

I know that, that's pretty much all people have told me for the past few years. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still being chased and there is no relief in sight. And honestly, I'm tired of enduring and persevering. I'm tired of the struggle and the hardship while it seems like everyone else I know doesn't have to deal with any of it. And as I said, it feels like no one cares. People have asked me "Is there anything you need?" and "How can I help?" But I usually give some variation of "Nothing that I can think of right now." Because honestly, what would happen if I said "I need this much so my wife and I can pay off student loans, and begin to get on our feet."

I'm tired and worn out. The monkeys are closing in, and it feels like I'm just about done. That's what's on my heart most of the time. That's what I've spent a ton of time thinking about over the past year. That is what I've held in for so long. And now as I'm getting to the end of this part of me is wondering "Am I actually going to post this?" At this moment I'm not sure. I don't know who all reads what I write, and I don't know how sharing this honest feeling could help or hurt my future.

And as I've gotten to the end, I keep thinking about the verse at the end of every post, "I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." This post tells of how forsaken I feel. But in some ways I feel that posting it shows a lack of trust in God. In other ways it feels like it's me showing that I'm not as strong as some people think I am. That my faith isn't as strong as some people see it to be. I've heard different things about when to share struggles and difficulties, most of the advice being years after it's been over, and then sharing how God brought you through it.

But at the same time part of me feels like waiting until then is a waste. Right now, in the moment, I want to believe God is going to come through. I want to believe that He is going to provide and do far more abundantly beyond all that I cans ask or think, but if I'm completely honest, I'm struggling to be able to. I want to fully trust God, but things just seem to get harder with no hint of relief. And maybe writing all of this out and posting it is God working to break my pride, show people my weakness, and humbling me to the point where I can ask for, and accept, the help of others.

Deep down I still have hope. I still pray, and I'll still close this post with the message of God's faithfulness.

"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."

To God alone be the Glory!

Peace be with you