This weekend in church I heard a different take on the David and Goliath story than I have in my almost 27 years. I encourage you to take some time and listen to what was said.
http://cvconline.org/index.php/site/audio (The message is week 3 in the series "God is for me" given on September 29, 2013.)
There were a lot of good things said, and I actually took notes on a message for the first time in years. At one point the question "What makes you angry?" was asked. We see that David is angry about Goliath, what he's saying and the attitude he has towards God and Israel. He takes action, charges the enemy, and takes him down. Then he cuts off his head and carries it through the city of Jerusalem.
His anger, righteous anger, moved him to action. He stood alone before a giant that no one else, not even the king, had the faith or courage to battle. He delivered his people from oppression, and saved them from death. He was angry and acted.
What makes you angry? Not what makes you snap and lose your temper, but what injustice lights a fire under you? What motivates you to do something to bring change? What moves you to actually do it? What makes you angry?
When that question was asked, two things came to my mind, "Church" and "Men". The Church has gotten so far from God's intention for it. And what's worse, many don't even realize it. There is so much about the Church and how it functions and interacts that I don't like or support. There is so much I want to try and change, so much I want to bring Biblical truth to, and so much I want to see transformed.
With men, I simply see so few. I see failed attempts, and empty shells. There are so many posers out there putting up a front. I want to help initiate them, and see them become all that God created them to be.
And so now the question is "What am I going to do about it?"
Honestly, I don't know. Part of the reason I blog is that I'm at least doing something, at least reaching someone. My other blog was started, and is written, out of a desire to reach men. This one is a general audience, hopefully the Church. But writing a couple blogs only counts for so much, they can only go so far. For a several years now I've had a thought that I'm supposed to plant a church. It's been something that's come and gone, something I've thought God was calling me to and then thought of every reason not to do it. And honestly I don't know that I've thought about it recently until the other night when I was talking to my pastor friend after the message.
I'm at a point where I'm really trying to figure out what to do, and in the meantime I'm working on just being satisfied with knowing God. But at the same time the anger in me over these two issues isn't getting smaller or going away. I don't know what is going to happen yet, I don't know what giant God has for me to take down in His name and power. But I want to be ready when the time comes to charge the enemy.
What about you? What makes you angry? What are you going to do about it?
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Monday, September 30, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
Back when I was a senior in college I made the decision with one of my best friends to be a co-leader of a freshman small group. Together we would be responsible for investing in the lives of about a dozen freshman guys through their first year of college. Honestly, we were the coolest small group. Guys left their other assigned small groups to join our group. It was one of the highlights of my senior year.
We'd meet as a group once a week, and throughout the week we'd each spend some time with the guys, just hanging out in the cafe, or in their dorm. And while I did spend time with each guy every week in some capacity, there was one who I connected with more than the others, and he's the only one I still have any contact with today. It has been awesome to watch him grow from the kid that everyone is when they begin college, to the man who had the faith to trust God and move to one of the biggest cities in the world.
He's finally started a blog, and I'm excited to see his insights and hear more about his heart, and see his insights from God. You can read about his journey on the blog The Fire in NYC at, http://thefireinnyc.blogspot.com/
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
We'd meet as a group once a week, and throughout the week we'd each spend some time with the guys, just hanging out in the cafe, or in their dorm. And while I did spend time with each guy every week in some capacity, there was one who I connected with more than the others, and he's the only one I still have any contact with today. It has been awesome to watch him grow from the kid that everyone is when they begin college, to the man who had the faith to trust God and move to one of the biggest cities in the world.
He's finally started a blog, and I'm excited to see his insights and hear more about his heart, and see his insights from God. You can read about his journey on the blog The Fire in NYC at, http://thefireinnyc.blogspot.com/
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Monday, September 16, 2013
Competition, It's a Good Thing
Sometime in the last two weeks I read an article that said a kid’s soccer league took removing competition to a new level by removing the ball from soccer. Someone later mentioned that the article is a satirical writing, but it wouldn't surprise me if at some point it actually happened. For some reason society has come to see teaching children to compete as a bad thing, and yet we allow grown men to make millions of dollars a year by doing just that.
Competition is a good thing. I was an athlete in high school, and with everything I've done, or dreamed of doing, I've wanted to be the best. I've never done something just to do it, and honestly never will, it's not who I am. And that isn't a bad thing. Competition isn't a bad thing. Some churches have started a sports program called Upwards, and in it no one loses, not a supporter. I'm all about teaching kids the basics of a sport, and how to play it well, but you can't remove competition from it, or the fact that there are winners and losers.
I hate losing, to steal Brad Pitt's line from Money Ball "I hate losing more than I want to win, and there's a difference." But in losing we learn some important lessons. Lessons that we rob children of if we refuse to let them compete.
One, losing teaches humility and grace. I wasn't always a good sport. There were times when I lost, even in my early twenties, that I didn't have the best attitude. But in losing we can learn how to act with dignity. In a world where there are no winners and losers, how do people learn that things don't always work out for their favor? And with that, how do people learn how to deal with that situation? Losing taught me how to handle setbacks. It taught me how to deal with things that don't go my way. This is a crucial lesson to learn.
Second, losing shows us where we have room for improvement. When I was a young wrestler, back in eighth grade, I kept getting my arm caught and then flipped on my back. One moment I would be on top of my opponent, feeling in control, and then somehow the next moment I was on the bottom wondering how I got there. I had left my arm on the side and had gotten too high, and because of this I was getting turned. But by losing this way during practice, I learned a lesson that made me a champion. During the Conference championship match I was wrestling a guy, and my arm got caught, but this time I pulled my weight back, ended up getting a stalemate called, and went on to become a Conference Champion.
Third, losing opens our eyes to things we are better at. I played a lot of sports, but wrestling was what I was good at. I had dreams as a kid of being a big league ball player, but eventually realized it was never going to happen. And so I turned my attention to the thing I was best at, and something I enjoyed so much more.
Fourth, losing gives us determination. Again, I hate losing. Losing drove me to improve and get better as a wrestler, and still today losing drives me to get better as a minister and a person. Yes, there are the moments right after you lose where you don't want to do anything but sit and feel sorry for yourself, but they are simply that, moments. They pass, and then you get back to work. The bitter taste of defeat is one that I hate, and never want to experience, and so I am determined to get better, stronger, so that the next time I'm victorious.
Without competition, these lessons aren't learned. If everyone is a winner then what do we need humility for? If we're all equal, then what is there to push me to get better? Without competition I could spend my life doing something that ultimately is a waste of my time. So let's do society a favor and encourage competition. Let's teach our children that in life there are winners and losers, and let’s teach them how to humbly handle both sides of that spectrum. Let competition drive them to improve and be the best they can be in whatever area they excel.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Competition is a good thing. I was an athlete in high school, and with everything I've done, or dreamed of doing, I've wanted to be the best. I've never done something just to do it, and honestly never will, it's not who I am. And that isn't a bad thing. Competition isn't a bad thing. Some churches have started a sports program called Upwards, and in it no one loses, not a supporter. I'm all about teaching kids the basics of a sport, and how to play it well, but you can't remove competition from it, or the fact that there are winners and losers.
I hate losing, to steal Brad Pitt's line from Money Ball "I hate losing more than I want to win, and there's a difference." But in losing we learn some important lessons. Lessons that we rob children of if we refuse to let them compete.
One, losing teaches humility and grace. I wasn't always a good sport. There were times when I lost, even in my early twenties, that I didn't have the best attitude. But in losing we can learn how to act with dignity. In a world where there are no winners and losers, how do people learn that things don't always work out for their favor? And with that, how do people learn how to deal with that situation? Losing taught me how to handle setbacks. It taught me how to deal with things that don't go my way. This is a crucial lesson to learn.
Second, losing shows us where we have room for improvement. When I was a young wrestler, back in eighth grade, I kept getting my arm caught and then flipped on my back. One moment I would be on top of my opponent, feeling in control, and then somehow the next moment I was on the bottom wondering how I got there. I had left my arm on the side and had gotten too high, and because of this I was getting turned. But by losing this way during practice, I learned a lesson that made me a champion. During the Conference championship match I was wrestling a guy, and my arm got caught, but this time I pulled my weight back, ended up getting a stalemate called, and went on to become a Conference Champion.
Third, losing opens our eyes to things we are better at. I played a lot of sports, but wrestling was what I was good at. I had dreams as a kid of being a big league ball player, but eventually realized it was never going to happen. And so I turned my attention to the thing I was best at, and something I enjoyed so much more.
Fourth, losing gives us determination. Again, I hate losing. Losing drove me to improve and get better as a wrestler, and still today losing drives me to get better as a minister and a person. Yes, there are the moments right after you lose where you don't want to do anything but sit and feel sorry for yourself, but they are simply that, moments. They pass, and then you get back to work. The bitter taste of defeat is one that I hate, and never want to experience, and so I am determined to get better, stronger, so that the next time I'm victorious.
Without competition, these lessons aren't learned. If everyone is a winner then what do we need humility for? If we're all equal, then what is there to push me to get better? Without competition I could spend my life doing something that ultimately is a waste of my time. So let's do society a favor and encourage competition. Let's teach our children that in life there are winners and losers, and let’s teach them how to humbly handle both sides of that spectrum. Let competition drive them to improve and be the best they can be in whatever area they excel.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Monday, September 9, 2013
Satan's Only Tactic
Yes, he only has one and I'll tell you what it is. But before I do let me tell you he has several tricks and angles he works to accomplish this single goal. Sometimes he uses force and overwhelms us with difficulties. Other times he fills our lives with stuff, helping us to focus on the material and temporal. In all of it he feeds us lies, but all of it is focused on one thing. Satan wants us to believe that God does not have our best interest in mind. That is his tactic. It's been what he's been up to since his first strike against humanity in the garden, and it's how he continues to work today.
Where did I come to this insight you might ask, well I'll tell you. As I'm in between ministry assignments I'm trying to stay active and involved with ministry as much as possible. Keeping my sword sharp and my shield at hand for when I get called back to the front lines. My pastor mentioned a few weeks ago about teaching a "New Believer's class" and had me sit in yesterday to see how it all works. As the class was working through the first section of material, a section that draws heavily from The Story (see the link in the top right), it talks about the fall of man and in that section I saw the phrase, "He deceived them into thinking that God was not good and did not have their best interest in mind." And as I read that line I began to think back over the past week.
The biggest thing I've been struggling with right now if believing that God wants good things for me. Keep in mind, God does not exist to make me happy. It is not His job to make sure I'm comfortable and content having everything my heart desires. But I am God's beloved son, His precious child, and as such He desires the best for me. God wants to bless me so that I can be a blessing to others. God wants the very best for me, and everything that takes place is ultimately for my good, because all of it serves to make me like Christ.
Satan doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want us to become like Christ because when we do we draw closer to God and see Him as the loving father He is. Keep in mind a loving father disciplines his children for their benefit. But if we doubt the goodness of God, we will doubt His desire for our best interest. If we don't think God has our best interest at heart, we believe we are left to fend for ourselves. And as we fend for ourselves we are us dependent and not God dependent. If we trust in ourselves we don't trust in God, and if we don't trust Him we can't serve Him. But we must serve someone and there are only two options.
That is Satan's tactic, getting you to doubt God's goodness and love for you.
I've fallen into this way of thinking over the past few weeks. The struggles and hardships have felt like abandonment, not the correction of a loving father. They seem like moments of struggling to survive, not opportunities to trustingly fall into His arms. In the struggles it's easy to forget about the blessings He continues to pour out. It's easy to be focused on the thing we long for so much that we miss everything other good thing God is giving us. We focus on what we can't attain more than what we've been freely given. Yeah, I'm really guilty of that one.
Satan doesn't want you to experience the goodness of God, and so he'll point out the one thing God is withholding so we focus on that rather than the abundant blessing we've been given. Think back to Eden. God said, every plant you can eat from except this one, but every other one you can enjoy. So where is the one place Satan draws Adam and Eve, the one place that is forgiven, and there he focuses their minds on what God is withholding, and in that moment convinces them that God doesn't want them to have the best because the best is the one thing He is keeping from them. The tactic hasn't changed; it's still the same thing because it's the only one he's got.
Where is your focus? Over the past few weeks as I've found myself constantly wondering if I believe God wants good things for me because I'm not able to live out my calling as a minister, I'm constantly reminded of the other blessings in my life. Where do I choose to focus? On the things that He has given me now, or on the one thing He's saying "Wait, not yet, but soon?"
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Where did I come to this insight you might ask, well I'll tell you. As I'm in between ministry assignments I'm trying to stay active and involved with ministry as much as possible. Keeping my sword sharp and my shield at hand for when I get called back to the front lines. My pastor mentioned a few weeks ago about teaching a "New Believer's class" and had me sit in yesterday to see how it all works. As the class was working through the first section of material, a section that draws heavily from The Story (see the link in the top right), it talks about the fall of man and in that section I saw the phrase, "He deceived them into thinking that God was not good and did not have their best interest in mind." And as I read that line I began to think back over the past week.
The biggest thing I've been struggling with right now if believing that God wants good things for me. Keep in mind, God does not exist to make me happy. It is not His job to make sure I'm comfortable and content having everything my heart desires. But I am God's beloved son, His precious child, and as such He desires the best for me. God wants to bless me so that I can be a blessing to others. God wants the very best for me, and everything that takes place is ultimately for my good, because all of it serves to make me like Christ.
Satan doesn't want this to happen. He doesn't want us to become like Christ because when we do we draw closer to God and see Him as the loving father He is. Keep in mind a loving father disciplines his children for their benefit. But if we doubt the goodness of God, we will doubt His desire for our best interest. If we don't think God has our best interest at heart, we believe we are left to fend for ourselves. And as we fend for ourselves we are us dependent and not God dependent. If we trust in ourselves we don't trust in God, and if we don't trust Him we can't serve Him. But we must serve someone and there are only two options.
That is Satan's tactic, getting you to doubt God's goodness and love for you.
I've fallen into this way of thinking over the past few weeks. The struggles and hardships have felt like abandonment, not the correction of a loving father. They seem like moments of struggling to survive, not opportunities to trustingly fall into His arms. In the struggles it's easy to forget about the blessings He continues to pour out. It's easy to be focused on the thing we long for so much that we miss everything other good thing God is giving us. We focus on what we can't attain more than what we've been freely given. Yeah, I'm really guilty of that one.
Satan doesn't want you to experience the goodness of God, and so he'll point out the one thing God is withholding so we focus on that rather than the abundant blessing we've been given. Think back to Eden. God said, every plant you can eat from except this one, but every other one you can enjoy. So where is the one place Satan draws Adam and Eve, the one place that is forgiven, and there he focuses their minds on what God is withholding, and in that moment convinces them that God doesn't want them to have the best because the best is the one thing He is keeping from them. The tactic hasn't changed; it's still the same thing because it's the only one he's got.
Where is your focus? Over the past few weeks as I've found myself constantly wondering if I believe God wants good things for me because I'm not able to live out my calling as a minister, I'm constantly reminded of the other blessings in my life. Where do I choose to focus? On the things that He has given me now, or on the one thing He's saying "Wait, not yet, but soon?"
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Friday, September 6, 2013
God's Crockpot
This past weekend in Church I learned something new (and all of this ties in with my last post). Over the summer the church we're attending has been working through the book of James. This coming week is the final weekend in the series, and this past weekend the message was on James 5.13-18. Verse 14 says, "Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord;" and here is the new thing I learned. The word for "sick" in Greek is astheneo, and it means, "to be weak, feeble, to be without strength, powerless".
So often we take that verse simply to refer to physical illness, and while that is part of it, we have to remember that we are not simply physical beings. We are commanded to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. We have the physical, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual. We can be "sick" more than just physically. We can be emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, and spiritually worn out. In all of these instances we call out to God relief, and when He doesn't deliver right away we feel forsaken, and that He doesn't care.
After the service Saturday night I had the chance to sit and talk with my pastor. I told him how I just feel stuck, and how I don't know if I believe that God really does want anything good for me. He knows a little of what I'm going through, but I got to open up a little more with him that night. And as we talked he shared an insight with me that I hadn't heard put like that before.
"Our generations don't know how to wait. We want God to do things instantly. We're wanting Him to cook us in the microwave. But God is using a crockpot." Cooking in a microwave is easy, anyone can do it. I almost want to put the word cooking in quotes. It's fast and it's simple, but if you've ever had a crockpot meal, there is no comparison. Microwave means can dry out, especially meat that gets reheated. But if you let a roast sit in a crockpot for hours it comes out moist and juicy. It's full of flavors that can only come from slow, constant heat.
God doesn't own a microwave, God doesn't rush anything. Everything happens for a purpose, and everything is working towards a goal. We're in God's crockpot. That knowledge doesn't make the difficulty any more bearable. It doesn't take away the weariness. Put it does serve as a reminder that God is always at work, and that nothing is wasted with Him.
I know that I'm in God's crockpot. Right now I feel that I'm being overcooked. I feel like my gifts are being wasted, and that my time has come and gone. Like I got one shot and I blew it, and that's all. I'm weary and worn out. But I have a pastor who cares. At the end of our conversation he put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me.
I don't know how much longer God has me simmering, but I have to believe that He hasn't forgotten, and that the time is drawing close for me to get back out into full time ministry again.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
So often we take that verse simply to refer to physical illness, and while that is part of it, we have to remember that we are not simply physical beings. We are commanded to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. We have the physical, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual. We can be "sick" more than just physically. We can be emotionally drained, mentally exhausted, and spiritually worn out. In all of these instances we call out to God relief, and when He doesn't deliver right away we feel forsaken, and that He doesn't care.
After the service Saturday night I had the chance to sit and talk with my pastor. I told him how I just feel stuck, and how I don't know if I believe that God really does want anything good for me. He knows a little of what I'm going through, but I got to open up a little more with him that night. And as we talked he shared an insight with me that I hadn't heard put like that before.
"Our generations don't know how to wait. We want God to do things instantly. We're wanting Him to cook us in the microwave. But God is using a crockpot." Cooking in a microwave is easy, anyone can do it. I almost want to put the word cooking in quotes. It's fast and it's simple, but if you've ever had a crockpot meal, there is no comparison. Microwave means can dry out, especially meat that gets reheated. But if you let a roast sit in a crockpot for hours it comes out moist and juicy. It's full of flavors that can only come from slow, constant heat.
God doesn't own a microwave, God doesn't rush anything. Everything happens for a purpose, and everything is working towards a goal. We're in God's crockpot. That knowledge doesn't make the difficulty any more bearable. It doesn't take away the weariness. Put it does serve as a reminder that God is always at work, and that nothing is wasted with Him.
I know that I'm in God's crockpot. Right now I feel that I'm being overcooked. I feel like my gifts are being wasted, and that my time has come and gone. Like I got one shot and I blew it, and that's all. I'm weary and worn out. But I have a pastor who cares. At the end of our conversation he put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me.
I don't know how much longer God has me simmering, but I have to believe that He hasn't forgotten, and that the time is drawing close for me to get back out into full time ministry again.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Temple Run
There is this game on the iPhone that I have killed a lot of time with (sadly). In it you play as a character that is being chased out of a temple by these demon monkeys. You run along paths through the jungle collecting coins and power ups trying not to get caught by the monkeys. The game doesn't end, you just run until you fall off a cliff, run into something, or trip and get caught. You run until you die. There really is no winning, just trying to survive long enough to get a little farther than last time. Sounds a lot like life sometimes.
The last few years haven't been easy. In a lot of ways it feels like a game of Temple Run. Running as hard as we can, trying to get what we can, but still coming up short every time. And on top of that if feels like no one cares, or at least not anyone who would be able to do something to help. It feels like we're on our own, running through the jungle, hoping to survive. Part of me thinks I shouldn't write and post this, and the other part of me just doesn't care, and is sick of pretending and acting like everything is ok.
I know what the Bible says:
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1.2-4).
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5.3-5).
"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4.11-13).
I know that, that's pretty much all people have told me for the past few years. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still being chased and there is no relief in sight. And honestly, I'm tired of enduring and persevering. I'm tired of the struggle and the hardship while it seems like everyone else I know doesn't have to deal with any of it. And as I said, it feels like no one cares. People have asked me "Is there anything you need?" and "How can I help?" But I usually give some variation of "Nothing that I can think of right now." Because honestly, what would happen if I said "I need this much so my wife and I can pay off student loans, and begin to get on our feet."
I'm tired and worn out. The monkeys are closing in, and it feels like I'm just about done. That's what's on my heart most of the time. That's what I've spent a ton of time thinking about over the past year. That is what I've held in for so long. And now as I'm getting to the end of this part of me is wondering "Am I actually going to post this?" At this moment I'm not sure. I don't know who all reads what I write, and I don't know how sharing this honest feeling could help or hurt my future.
And as I've gotten to the end, I keep thinking about the verse at the end of every post, "I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." This post tells of how forsaken I feel. But in some ways I feel that posting it shows a lack of trust in God. In other ways it feels like it's me showing that I'm not as strong as some people think I am. That my faith isn't as strong as some people see it to be. I've heard different things about when to share struggles and difficulties, most of the advice being years after it's been over, and then sharing how God brought you through it.
But at the same time part of me feels like waiting until then is a waste. Right now, in the moment, I want to believe God is going to come through. I want to believe that He is going to provide and do far more abundantly beyond all that I cans ask or think, but if I'm completely honest, I'm struggling to be able to. I want to fully trust God, but things just seem to get harder with no hint of relief. And maybe writing all of this out and posting it is God working to break my pride, show people my weakness, and humbling me to the point where I can ask for, and accept, the help of others.
Deep down I still have hope. I still pray, and I'll still close this post with the message of God's faithfulness.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
The last few years haven't been easy. In a lot of ways it feels like a game of Temple Run. Running as hard as we can, trying to get what we can, but still coming up short every time. And on top of that if feels like no one cares, or at least not anyone who would be able to do something to help. It feels like we're on our own, running through the jungle, hoping to survive. Part of me thinks I shouldn't write and post this, and the other part of me just doesn't care, and is sick of pretending and acting like everything is ok.
I know what the Bible says:
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1.2-4).
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5.3-5).
"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (Philippians 4.11-13).
I know that, that's pretty much all people have told me for the past few years. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm still being chased and there is no relief in sight. And honestly, I'm tired of enduring and persevering. I'm tired of the struggle and the hardship while it seems like everyone else I know doesn't have to deal with any of it. And as I said, it feels like no one cares. People have asked me "Is there anything you need?" and "How can I help?" But I usually give some variation of "Nothing that I can think of right now." Because honestly, what would happen if I said "I need this much so my wife and I can pay off student loans, and begin to get on our feet."
I'm tired and worn out. The monkeys are closing in, and it feels like I'm just about done. That's what's on my heart most of the time. That's what I've spent a ton of time thinking about over the past year. That is what I've held in for so long. And now as I'm getting to the end of this part of me is wondering "Am I actually going to post this?" At this moment I'm not sure. I don't know who all reads what I write, and I don't know how sharing this honest feeling could help or hurt my future.
And as I've gotten to the end, I keep thinking about the verse at the end of every post, "I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread." This post tells of how forsaken I feel. But in some ways I feel that posting it shows a lack of trust in God. In other ways it feels like it's me showing that I'm not as strong as some people think I am. That my faith isn't as strong as some people see it to be. I've heard different things about when to share struggles and difficulties, most of the advice being years after it's been over, and then sharing how God brought you through it.
But at the same time part of me feels like waiting until then is a waste. Right now, in the moment, I want to believe God is going to come through. I want to believe that He is going to provide and do far more abundantly beyond all that I cans ask or think, but if I'm completely honest, I'm struggling to be able to. I want to fully trust God, but things just seem to get harder with no hint of relief. And maybe writing all of this out and posting it is God working to break my pride, show people my weakness, and humbling me to the point where I can ask for, and accept, the help of others.
Deep down I still have hope. I still pray, and I'll still close this post with the message of God's faithfulness.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
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