This week on the East Ohio District we have District Assembly and camp meeting. Monday was the ordination service, and I got to be part of the ministers choir since I'm now a minister. It was an incredible feeling singing with these men, you really feel connected to a team.
Last night was the first night of camp meeting. Rev. Steven Manley is our evangelist for the week. His preaching style isn't one that captivates my attention, but his message spoke to me. He used Acts 2.25, "For David says of Him, 'I SAW THE LORD ALWAYS IN MY PRESENCE; FOR HE IS AT MY RIGHT HAND, SO THAT I WILL NOT BE SHAKEN."
He used many other portions of scripture to explain the verse, and what it comes down to is this. The word "presence" is not in the original text. It is directly translated, "I saw the Lord before me". Rev. Manley went on to explain how it literally means, God is in my face, my eye, God is all I can see. God is the lens through which we see everything else.
It isn't about business, administration, ministry, but God. It isn't me living my life for Jesus, but Jesus living His life through me. It isn't me serving Jesus, but Jesus serving through me. It isn't about me at all, it's about Him. Everything I do is done to seek Him, the PERSON of God.
I wrote a sermon about his idea close to a year ago, the idea is in the blog called "Hand or Face?" Everything I do needs to be about growing closer to God. Everything needs to be done so that I can know God better, more personally, more intimately. God is all I see in this relationship. That is where we're supposed to be. The thing is, I was there.
My junior year of college I began to move that direction. The distractions, the priorities that took God's place in my eye, I got rid of. He became my soul focus, as Paul said in Philippians 3,
"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Those were my verses, that was how I lived. For the next three years that was me. God was in my eye, God was all I saw. Then something happened.
This Friday is June 10, and it marks the one year anniversary of the change. This is really the first time I've talked about this, I've only shared it with Janette and two or three other pastors. I was in a Sunday School board meeting, I'm not going to go into details, but the pastor had told me he had my back, and during that meeting left me with my head sticking out to get cut off. In that moment I felt something leave me. The will to fight, the fire and passion for ministry. I had no desire to be there any more, but I had made a one year commitment and I had to stick it out for the teens and young adults I was serving.
That meeting changed me, and over the past year I've been trying to get back to where I was, I've been trying to get God in my eye again. I've been taking a leadership class, and in one of the podcasts I listened to Rev. Mark Driscoll said, "God cannot use you greatly, until you have been wounded deeply." I knew my time in Michigan had been a wound, but what I hadn't realized is that the wound had simply had a band aid placed over it, it hadn't been stitched up, and so it hadn't healed.
I'm in the process of pulling the band aid off, not just of that wound, but of all of them. I'm looking back at my life, at every wound I've ever been given, and writing them out. I'm writing about the lessons I learned from them, and the people who were beside me through the process helping me.
After the service I went to talk to Rev. Manley for a few minutes. I briefly shared what had happened just to hear his advice. He told me to look at that time as a blessing. I agree, I know I had to go to Michigan, God had things to teach me there. But my real question for Rev. Manley was how do I get back there? How do I get God back in my eye? That is honestly my only desire.
I've found when I seek advice I'm looking for something profound, answers that only older men with decades of ministry behind them can give me. Do you know what he said? He quoted part of my Hand or Face sermon to me! "Seek Him, seek the person of God. Seek Him through prayer and the word."
That's all there is to it, simply seek His face, seek the Person of God. I'm on a journey, a journey of healing, and a journey back to the very heart of God. I'm stitching up my wounds, looking at each one, taking the lesson from them, and then stitching them so they scar. Scars remind you of pain but they no longer hurt. Scars have a story, they have a lesson that was learned. And scars are a sign of healing. So let the healing begin, let the pain serve to make my heart compassionate for other ministers and people going through situations I've been through. Let the stories serve as encouragement and may the lessons help others avoid the painful experiences. May I proudly show off my scars and testify to what God has done in my life, may that testimony be an encouragement to others.
To get back to the heart of God, I'm going back to the beginning. Genesis 1 to Revelation 22. Searching the Scriptures for who God is, looking for His character, for His person. Getting back to prayer, real prayer. Heart felt surrender and desperation, a little boy curled up in his Daddy's lap.
I don't know how long this journey will take, all I know is that at the end God will have made me the man he created me to be. At the end of the journey, God will be all I see.
I invite you to join me. Look at your wounds and stitch them up. Dive into the Scriptures with me, and let's learn the character of God together. Whose up for the adventure of a life time?
As Paul said in Philippians 3.13-14, "Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Let's go!
Peace be with you
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