Trust Issue

In the past five or six days God has showed me two areas of my life that need improvement. Last week it was pride/negatively comparing myself to others. Yesterday it was trust.

My wife had a headache that had progressively gotten worse over a week. She's suffered with migraines for the last few years due to a car accident. But she said this was worse. She hadn't slept that well in a few nights, but Saturday to Sunday night was the worst. I heard her get up, but was still half asleep. But when she didn't come back to bed I began to wonder. I prayed for her, and heard her kneel down in the bathroom. God was like, "Go be with her." I looked at the clock which said 5:35, and went and wrapped my arms around her.

She asked me to take her to the hospital. That means she's really in pain. She's tough, honestly a lot tougher than I am, and so when she asked to go to the hospital it was really bad. We got ready and she went down to the car as I was brushing my teeth. And I began to fight back tears from being overwhelmed. We don't have the greatest insurance plan. I'm still on my parents' plan until the end of November this year due to Obamacare. My wife is only part time at work because she isn't available on Sundays, and so we don't get benefits through her like we initially thought we would. The church offered to give me health benefits, but due to our current financial situation at the church I haven't taken them. We buy insurance for my wife but it's not much because we can't afford much.

I'm brushing my teeth and just praying that God will take the pain away. We start driving, and I keep praying, and nothing happens. I explain everything to God, and nothing happens. I pray until we get there, fighting back tears the whole time, and still nothing.

As my wife is sitting there waiting to go back to the emergency room, I texted my mentor, and he told me he was praying. After that I dumped my being overwhelmed due to potential cost, and he texted me this "I know. Trust me. It will all work out. Pour all your attention on her and let our Father worry about the finances." I needed that, and it helped, but didn't take all the stress away.

The doctors came, asked her her symptoms, and then went to decide what to do. They gave her two shots, one for pain and one for nausea, but they didn't really help. When her nurse came in they were going to give her a shot of Morphine and something that starts with a "T", and we mentioned that my wife might be dehydrated. They ended up giving her an IV to get fluid in her and gave her the shots that way. She ended up getting two doses of Morphine. I learned that my wife is really funny when she's drugged.

Most of what she said was random nonsense. She asked me about a picture we don't own, hanging in our house, on a wall that doesn't exist. She told me I was pretty. But she could also see that something was bothering me. In spite of all my efforts to hide my concern over the potential cost, I wasn't doing a very good job of it. So I told her, reassuring her that I wasn't in any way mad at her or blaming her, and that I just wanted her to get better. But there was still the financial concern. I told her what I had explain to God earlier on our way there, and how I wondered why God, who knows our situation, hadn't done anything.

She told me to listen, because she wouldn't remember what she said, and I don't remember her exact wording, but she told me that I needed to trust. She said that I like having the responsibility for things, and I needed to trust more. And at that moment I saw area number two that needs work. My mind went to Mark 9.24b, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

I need to trust God more. I can keep my head in stressful situations, and I don't freak out, but at times I worry, and I need to trust. I know that God is able to do all things. I know that He is all powerful, that He is all knowing, and all present. But there are times when the human side of me takes over and feels like if He doesn't do it how I ask Him and when I ask Him, He isn't listening for some reason.

I want to believe. I want to trust, even when God stays silent. In college I took a class on Job and Psalms. One thing that I very distinctly remember from that class was this, "God's silence does not mean that God is absent."

God I believe that you are there, and I believe that you always hear me when I pray. I don't know why you remain silent sometimes, probably so I'll rely even more upon you. Go I want to fully trust you. I don't want to worry ever, I just want to know that You will always take care of me. No matter what happens I always have you, and that is the only thing that matters. I do believe; help my unbelief.

To God alone be the glory!

Peace be with you