The Line

I've been disappointed with myself recently for my lack of blogging, but honestly, I've had nothing really that I've felt was worth saying, as my last two posts probably indicate. Right now I just feel like writing, and I wish something would just come to me.

I've been working on a paper on Philippians 2.12-18, and now have a deeper understanding of Philippians, but that's for a later time. I've been listening to a song repeatedly for the last week or so, "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. It's really good, but honestly, it's pretty simple and self explanatory. So as it plays over the laptop I'll write about something else.

This year has been interesting. I've been to the other side of the world, had lots of time to think about a lot of things. I've gotten to spend a ton of time with Janey, every day for close to two weeks, and we've seen that we can spend large amounts of time together and found that we can and want to do this for the rest of our lives. And this post comes as a result of a conversation she and I had a couple of days ago.

Thursday night we were talking and, for the first time to another person, I vocalized all of my frustrations from the last six months or so. Saying a lot of it, some of it out loud for the first time, helped. Showing someone else, especially her, that vulnerability was huge. She said some stuff that I didn't really want to hear, but really needed to be told.

The next day I was meeting one of the teens from the first youth group I lead to talk about some stuff she was dealing with, and as I was walking to the PSU at MVNU I began to pray. My thoughts were on the attitude I've had towards life, my self, the situation work wise, my frustration towards God because of all of it, and I simply prayed, "God help me to trust you." And then I began to think, where is the line drawn between being a guy who is wired to succeed in working, and lacking faith in God?

As a guy I'm designed to work, it's in my nature to do something to contribute to society. Some people may say you don't have your dream job because it's not God's will, the issue is my dream job is pastoring, following the call God has placed on my life. I love the work of a church. I love sitting in an office pouring over scripture, reading commentaries, looking up Greek and Hebrew words, finding the real meaning of a passage based on the text, historical and social context of the verses. I love the relational side of it, hanging out with teens just talking about life, visiting people in the hospital, working through issues with parents. I love preaching and teaching. There is nothing that makes me come alive like ministry. Honestly, I'm miserable doing anything besides it. I'm so restless, and honestly a little depressed right now. I just want to do what I've been called to do, what I've trained to do.

I feel so useless. I know that I'm still having an impact, I was able to help this girl from the youth group. I've gotten to serve at a church I love as a volunteer children's worker, but it isn't the same. I really do just feel like a waste of space some times.

I'm not defined by church status or work success, but not being able to fully focus on the thing that I've been called to do is the worst feeling ever. So here comes the hard part. How much of this is the way I'm wired as a guy, the way I'm supposed to be as a contributing member to society and the Kingdom, and when does it become a lack of faith and trust in God?

Honestly I don't have an answer. I really wish I did because it would make my life so much simpler. Some days are better than others, right now is a low moment, probably just because I'm tired.

Where is the line between who I was created to be, and who I am called to be? Where is the line? Where does desire end and faith take over?

Daddy, when? That's the question I've had for months, and the answer you always give is "Soon" to which I respond "Your soon or my soon?" There is so much on my heart and in my mind right now, so much of it I can't even express, so much of it I don't understand. Now is the part where I should ask for your help. Help me to trust, help me to have faith. There are so many ways that this could be worse. Help me to work through the frustrations, and may all of this serve to make me more like you.

That's the prayer I want to have.

Peace be with you