The Word

Recently there has been one word that has stood out to me. Whether it's been a sermon, a children's message on Wednesday night, songs, or a random Louie Giglio video my grandma asked if I wanted to watch with her. The word, Trust.

I never expected life to be like it has been the last few months. Living at home, working in a job that I hate. The entire time I've been trying to see what the lesson in this experiance is, and last night I finally realized it, Trust.

I've doubted a lot of things these past few months, but in all of it I never doubted that there was a God who loved me, who made me. I did however begin to doubt that He had a plan and that He was working towards that plan. I look at the ideas I've had about how life should be, where life should go, what would happen when, and so far none of it has happened when or how I thought it would. Some of them have been awesome, I haven't been crazy about the timeing being later than I thought, but looking at how life was before this point, I'm glad certain aspects have come later.

I look at where my life seems to be headed now, in a direction I never anticiated to be going this soon, and honestly part of me is terrified, part of me doesn't feel ready at all, part of me feels I will comletely fail and be stuck in one place forever, hating every second of my life. And then I hear the word, Trust.

Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valley's and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here

I've questioned my reasons
The life I'm living
I've questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I've questioned all the things that I've ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind

But the one thing I don't question is you
You really love me like you say you do
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
Hold me

I've questioned significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I'm doing really matter at all?
Well I've questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?

Only one thing doesn't change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains

Those are the lyrics to "The One Thing" by Paul Colman, and no matter what I question in life, no matter what I'm terrified of, no matter what failure I feel I may fall into, none of it matters, because there is one thing that is constant. In that one thing I Trust.

Daddy, I do believe, help my unbeliefe.

Peace be with you

The Line

I've been disappointed with myself recently for my lack of blogging, but honestly, I've had nothing really that I've felt was worth saying, as my last two posts probably indicate. Right now I just feel like writing, and I wish something would just come to me.

I've been working on a paper on Philippians 2.12-18, and now have a deeper understanding of Philippians, but that's for a later time. I've been listening to a song repeatedly for the last week or so, "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. It's really good, but honestly, it's pretty simple and self explanatory. So as it plays over the laptop I'll write about something else.

This year has been interesting. I've been to the other side of the world, had lots of time to think about a lot of things. I've gotten to spend a ton of time with Janey, every day for close to two weeks, and we've seen that we can spend large amounts of time together and found that we can and want to do this for the rest of our lives. And this post comes as a result of a conversation she and I had a couple of days ago.

Thursday night we were talking and, for the first time to another person, I vocalized all of my frustrations from the last six months or so. Saying a lot of it, some of it out loud for the first time, helped. Showing someone else, especially her, that vulnerability was huge. She said some stuff that I didn't really want to hear, but really needed to be told.

The next day I was meeting one of the teens from the first youth group I lead to talk about some stuff she was dealing with, and as I was walking to the PSU at MVNU I began to pray. My thoughts were on the attitude I've had towards life, my self, the situation work wise, my frustration towards God because of all of it, and I simply prayed, "God help me to trust you." And then I began to think, where is the line drawn between being a guy who is wired to succeed in working, and lacking faith in God?

As a guy I'm designed to work, it's in my nature to do something to contribute to society. Some people may say you don't have your dream job because it's not God's will, the issue is my dream job is pastoring, following the call God has placed on my life. I love the work of a church. I love sitting in an office pouring over scripture, reading commentaries, looking up Greek and Hebrew words, finding the real meaning of a passage based on the text, historical and social context of the verses. I love the relational side of it, hanging out with teens just talking about life, visiting people in the hospital, working through issues with parents. I love preaching and teaching. There is nothing that makes me come alive like ministry. Honestly, I'm miserable doing anything besides it. I'm so restless, and honestly a little depressed right now. I just want to do what I've been called to do, what I've trained to do.

I feel so useless. I know that I'm still having an impact, I was able to help this girl from the youth group. I've gotten to serve at a church I love as a volunteer children's worker, but it isn't the same. I really do just feel like a waste of space some times.

I'm not defined by church status or work success, but not being able to fully focus on the thing that I've been called to do is the worst feeling ever. So here comes the hard part. How much of this is the way I'm wired as a guy, the way I'm supposed to be as a contributing member to society and the Kingdom, and when does it become a lack of faith and trust in God?

Honestly I don't have an answer. I really wish I did because it would make my life so much simpler. Some days are better than others, right now is a low moment, probably just because I'm tired.

Where is the line between who I was created to be, and who I am called to be? Where is the line? Where does desire end and faith take over?

Daddy, when? That's the question I've had for months, and the answer you always give is "Soon" to which I respond "Your soon or my soon?" There is so much on my heart and in my mind right now, so much of it I can't even express, so much of it I don't understand. Now is the part where I should ask for your help. Help me to trust, help me to have faith. There are so many ways that this could be worse. Help me to work through the frustrations, and may all of this serve to make me more like you.

That's the prayer I want to have.

Peace be with you

Random

Over the last week I've had a lot of down time. I'm working on a paper for a class I'm taking, spending a lot of time with Janey, and getting to see Mandi and Ryan, Terry, Jenny and the kids, Zach and Whit, and some other people from school. It's been good.

The restlessness is really starting to get to me, I have to get into a church where I can serve full time, where I can get behind a vision and work towards helping it become a reality.

I've spent a lot of time driving over the last week, and I've gotten to listen to three cds several times, Matthew West, Aaron Shust, and Robin Mark, and a lot of the songs are really incredible. The depth and simplicity, the truth and encouragement, the brutal honesty.

I look at the biggest blessing I ever could have asked for, Janey. I've loved her for four and a half years, honestly since the day I met her. Looking at how God had this planned all along, it's just incredible. I look at her, hold her hand, look through pictures, and I can't believe I get to be with her.

I look at the lack of continuity in my life right now, there is no routine, no structure, honestly, nothing really worth while. Part of me wonders what the point is, what am I doing, how much longer, why?