I have a lot of different thoughts going through my mind right now, no one thing really dominate, and so this is one of those occasional posts where I just start writing on a variety of subjects, edit at the end so I don't say something that gets me in trouble, and see where we end up.
First the idea of burning bridges. It's been something I've thought about over the last few years, and a lot over the last few weeks. I'll be the first to admit that occasionally I'd love to burn a few with a lot more spite than I should, but I never do because I really do want to reflect Christ. For years my parents have told me not go burning bridges. To a point I understand that. If all you do is burn bridges it won't be long before you're standing alone on an island with no where to go. But sometimes the only way to move forward is to burn the bridge behind you so that you aren't dragged back across it.
Sometimes we aren't the ones who burn the bridge, others drive us to the other side by their absence or lack of involvement, or by breaking trust, and then they go back across to leave us alone permanently on the other side. And sometimes we make a decision to end a relationship. Right now I'm at the point where I contemplating a pretty significant change as a result of being driven across a bridge. Right now it's about weighing the pros and cons and deciding where does this change leave me.
I've thought about death some recently. Yesterday I heard a song that I wanted to have played at my funeral, and I wondered who would be there if it was tomorrow? I don't feel like I've made a very big impact in the lives of people I've known, and part of me doesn't feel like I'd be missed by many or that most people would notice or care (I'm not suicidal just to throw that out there).
Part of the death thought comes from the violent events of the last few months. It's only a matter of time until there is another public shooting, no law is going to stop that, and actually some of the laws they have tired to pass could make them worse by taking guns away from law abiding citizens who step up to stop shooters. As I've been places with my wife I do a lot more observing than I usually do. I try to be aware of what's going on and who's around me at all times. The other day I told her, "If we are ever somewhere and someone starts shooting this is what I want you to do..." Last night we were somewhere and I just asked her, "What do you do if you're here and someone starts shooting?" Just trying to build the memory so in the event that it happens she's ready.
Along with this comes the thinking of what it is like to die. The reality, and inevitability, of it has been on my mind, especially this morning. I've thought about what it will be like to be in the presence of God. I've thought some about Heaven, wondering what it will be like.
I've dealt with some anger and frustration over the last couple days. One day it was really cold in the morning, I had to leave at 5:15 am and my vehicle was frozen. The door handle snapped off when I tried to open it, and I saw yesterday that the passenger side door handle was cracked. It was just one of those little things that I didn't really need right now. I've watched another job slip away, going to someone whose had the opportunity to get experience in a large church setting, and it's just driven into me the fact that those who have had the opportunity to be successful continue to get the opportunities to be more successful, and the rest of us never get a chance. It's made me really sick of Church politics and it all being about who you know, which it really is, and I tend to be on the opposite end of that because I don't have any family that has been denominational leaders or pastors of huge churches.
I've wondered a lot recently if I'm done with ministry. No one is calling, even after listing that I'm willing to volunteer in the right setting. I don't want charity, I don't want to be handed something because of who I know. I want to earn it. I want to be given a chance that has the potential to go well and see what I'm made of, see what I am able to do, see if there really is anything to the potential that everyone has always told me I have. But I've really felt that that chance is something I'm never going to get. And it drives me nuts.
I'm so restless right now. I'm working a job that doesn't test me, that doesn't excite me, that doesn't have any eternal value right now, and that I really don't want anyone to know about because it's a bit humiliating (just realized that one this past week when a pastor friend randomly bumped into me at work). I've got years preparing for a calling that I'm not getting the opportunity to fulfill.
And in all of this I still want to praise God. I'm not trying to make myself sound super righteous, because I'm not, and I'm not trying to make myself sound super humble, which again, I'm not. But yesterday as I got to work a few minutes early I sat in my vehicle and pulled up the song "10,000 Reasons" on my phone. Those words, "Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, O my soul, I'll worship Your holy name" hit me. That is what I want my response to be.
And as I listened to those words I read these in Psalm 6, "O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger,nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O Lord, for my bones are dismayed. And my soul is greatly dismayed; but You, O Lord—how long? Return, O Lord, rescue my soul; save me because of Your lovingkindness. For there is no mention of You in death; in Sheol who will give You thanks? I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries. Depart from me, all you who do iniquity, for the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication, the Lord receives my prayer. All my enemies will be ashamed and greatly dismayed; they shall turn back, they will suddenly be ashamed."
Verses 2 and 3 are really how I feel, and I'm just wondering, "God, how long?"
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
No comments:
Post a Comment