That's how I've felt, in some ways for most of the past year. Dead end ministry with no help, attacks from those within the Church, stuck in a very undesirable place to wait, and all of this with the silence of God. I felt like God didn't care, because if He did He'd at least give me something to go on. Instead things went from worse to impossible to hopeless. And we felt alone. I'd watch my wife cry and know there was nothing I could do to fix it, and that's about the most worthless I've ever felt.
I shared with a pastor friend how I felt like my wife and I were Sam and Frodo struggling up Mount Doom alone, while everyone else was enjoying life in the Shire. We have been very much alone through most of this, and that's made it even harder. People we thought would be there for us have been no where in sight. Some people who have been there haven't been able to do anything. Some offered help that we weren't able to accept. And all of it had left us asking God "Why?".
During this time I have made the statement, "I hate my life" more than a few times. I'm a 26 year old who is living in his parent's basement with his wife and dog. For a long time I hadn't been able to find any job, even with a college degree. I got turned down at Toys-R-Us during Christmas. I looked at Navy Chaplaincy, Hospital Chaplaincy, Hospice Chaplaincy, not to mention just about every Church staff position remotely related to my areas of giftedness. Most of the time I didn't even get a reply, and the times I did where "Thank you for applying, unfortunately we've decided to pursue other candidates."
We were stuck in the last place I wanted to be, with no way to get out, and no one to walk this stretch of road with us. My parent's house hasn't been a place where God and I have connected in recent years. It really doesn't feel like home anymore, because it isn't. I'm a guest here, sometimes I feel more like a stranger if I'm honest. And I wondered a lot why God would send me here, of all places, during this time when I needed Him most. But I've come to see that this is exactly where I needed to be.
My wife and I have both felt a calling on our lives to work with young people. One of my strongest passions is leading boys into manhood, showing what a man of God is, and helping them to become one. My wife shares the same passion for girls. As she sees them no realize their beauty, feel the need to conform and change themselves in order to be beautiful in the world's eyes, her heart breaks for them. I'm not sure where God is leading us to serve in that capacity, but we've started now in the one way we can.
I've mentioned my new blog, "Man of God", and shortly after I started that I felt like my wife needed to do something similar. I mentioned it to her, and she said she had been thinking the same thing. It was a few weeks, and conversations with various other people, later that "the true marks of a woman" was created. There are links to both blogs at the bottom of the page.
As I have began this aspect of ministering to boys and men, God has started to reveal why we're here, why this is exactly where I needed to be. All men carry a wound that has been aimed to take out there strength. For years I have tried, and failed, to identify mine, because I've been protecting the people who have wounded me. Because of that the wound could never heal. And so God had to bring me back to this place, in a situations where I had no one else to turn to, in order to bring about healing.
Looking back, I now see that God never abandoned me. He simply had to get me to the place where I was willing to let Him work. Unfortunately for me I'm stubborn and it took losing a lot to get to this point. A few weeks ago my wife and I were at a concert featuring Jason Gray and Andrew Peterson. We heard a song that night that hit us both. Jason got up and began to introduce the song, and then we listened to him sing:
The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope’s a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
It’s from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what’s lost will be found again
And nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
From the ruins
From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Nothing is wasted in the hands of God. Everything that He does is done out of His love for us. You may be in a similar situation, let me assure you, God has not abandoned you. In college I took a class on Job and Psalms, about the only thing I remember is my professor saying, "God's silence does not equal God's absence." God does not abandon His people.
The future still has no real direction. We are still waiting and I am still restless for a Church job, but I have started to find contentment in knowing that I will only ever be what God allows me to be. And for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I can honestly say that I'm ok with that.
And at the same time I'm holding on to hope. Ephesians 3.20-21 says, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." God will do more in my wife and I than we could ever ask or imagine. And because of that I have hope. And with that in mind I want to focus on the second part, "to Him be the glory". Matt Redman's "10,000 Reasons" has been on my mind, and that message:
The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
is what I want to be the declaration of my life. Whatever happens each day, I want to be singing His praise at the end of it. God is at work, nothing is wasted, God does not abandon His children. So may you be filled with hope, and may you give glory to God.
"I have been young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
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