First, I want to apologize to those who read this blog. November obviously hasn't been a very productive month for me. There has been a lot going on and I've been dealing with both family and personal issues. There hasn't been a lot of motivation to write and the things that have been on my mind are too personal to post all over the internet. All of that being said, what I'm about to share is personal.
For several weeks, maybe months, now I've been angry. It's been something that builds, as anger usually does when it isn't dealt with. Part of the problem is there are things I've needed to say to people, but I can't say to them for one reason or another. There have been people who have hurt me directly, those who I have allowed myself to be hurt by indirectly, and for most of it I've blamed God, or more, questioned why God was allowing all of the hardships to happen.
I've written and thought a lot about the Romans 8 verse, "God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him." And the verse in Philippians 1 that states, "It is for Christ's sake that you will suffer." Hardships are part of the life of any Christ follower, and God will cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. But it seems, especially of late, like my life has a lot more suffering than some people I know. It feels like I've gotten the short end of the stick, while others who haven't worked as hard as I have have gotten all the breaks.
I know I'm not the only one who has felt, or is feeling, like this. I know that there are those out there who would trade their hardships for mine in a heartbeat. The point of this is not to evoke pity, but instead to put it all in perspective.
Yesterday in church, my mentor preached a sermon that hit me. I'm not usually one who gets hit by a sermon. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but much of the preaching I've heard has been shallow, hard to follow, or just really bad. Honestly, my mentor is one of the only people I can actually listen to. He's one of the few people that I get new and deeper insights from. I have a hard time sitting in Sunday services. But yesterday was a sermon that hit me. He gave a twenty-first century version of Luke 15.11-31, the Prodigal Son.
The message hit me because it spoke to exactly where I was. He pointed out after his narrative that there are three characters, the younger brother, the older brother and the father. That is obviously nothing new, but the way he presented the older brother was. And it all comes down to the fact that I am the older brother.
We have a story of a man with two sons. One wishes his father was dead and asks for his share of the inheritance. His father gives him his share and he takes off to live it up. The older son remains with his father, working hard and being faithful. When the younger brother's share is spent and his life is falling apart he returns home, and to his complete shock, is welcomed back by his father as his son. A celebration takes place, but the older brother is absent.
He refuses to join the celebration because in his mind it isn't fair. He has never betrayed his father, but has obeyed everything he has been told to do. He has worked hard and earned what is his. His brother has spent his share and deserves nothing more, and yet his father has welcomed him back, even after all the pain and worry he has caused him, and continues to pour out more.
I am the older brother. I have worked hard and been obedient. I've committed to things God has asked even though I had absolutely no desire to do them. And even with all of that, life has been harder than I ever thought it would be. In many ways, it's been harder than most of the people I knew in college and have met in ministry. Again, I know that others have it so much harder, and I am not in anyway trying to make this bigger that it is, simply showing the attitude I've had.
I graduated college with a 3.92 GPA. I was the only religion major in my class to graduate Summa Cum Laude. I've had a few incredible internship experiences in mega churches, I was on staff at a church when I was 19, and I am the only member of my graduating class to be ordained. I've put the time and work in, and in my eyes, I am the most deserving of achievement, I've worked hard and earned it. And yet I find myself living in my parent's basement, with no ministry position, and I couldn't even get a job stocking shelves at a toy store during Christmas.
I've had a bad attitude, and in a way I've basically said to God, "How dare you put me through this and bless them." I don't want to be the older brother, but I have to admit with embarrassment that I am.
So what happens now? Where do I go from here? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure that out. I don't want to have the attitude of the older brother, where I am "owed" blessings and favor for my work and effort. I don't want the attitude of anger, bitterness, and resentment when others receive the things that I've worked for instead of me. I want the attitude of the father.
We have a man who gives unconditionally and joyfully. He gave his youngest son his share of the inheritance and let him go his way. And even though the youngest son treated him as if he were dead, when he came home he ran to him, embraced him, and poured out more blessings on him as he welcomed him home. He went out to his oldest son. In spite of the sons anger he talks with him, he reaches out to him. That is the attitude I want.
I don't know how long this stage of life is going to last. Honestly, I don't know if another professional ministry position will ever open up for me. It's hard for me to say that, because it's the call that I have on my life and I've invested so much into it. Honestly, I don't know what else I would do with my life if the door never opens up. But I do know that no matter what happens, I want to pour out the love of the Father.
No matter where I am I can show the love and compassion of God. I can be joyful in spite of my circumstances because I am a son of God. Ultimately that is reason I am to rejoice. The only thing that matters in the end is that I belong to God, and that I show His love to everyone I come in contact with. That is the attitude I want, so God, I'm asking you to help me.
"I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."
To God alone be the Glory!
Peace be with you
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